Musings & Half Eaten Muffins

Bruce Allan Bressack

How to do nothing in half the time, by Bruce Bressack

Doing nothing is an art form. Doing nothing in half the time takes talent, persistence and perseverance. It also takes years of non-preparation and a sincere commitment to “slacking off”.

Like a chess game, it takes intense mental focusing, and multiple simultaneous strategies, to compete in and win the doing nothing game. Sounds tiring, but it’s actually quite exhilarating (in a self-unfulfilling way).

Doing something always has consequences. You have to defend it, fortify it, and then back up your accomplishments with those pesky little things called “facts”. If you do do something, you’re likely to be mocked, criticized and ridiculed by the masses for your pointless and meaningless drive and ambition [but perhaps that’s a bit of an exaggeration].

Doing nothing is completely void of pitfalls and condemnation. There’s no shame associated with not tempting failure, or in missing illusive, unrealistic goals. You can do nothing, for a very long time, and you will never lose your humanity or sense of humor.

Most importantly, doing nothing doesn't upset the status quo. It leaves the universe intact and unchanged … no holes made in the ozone layer … no fracking scars left on the landscape … no riding off into the desert sunset to the soundtrack of “A Horse With No Name” [which I just realized is a completely random, irrelevant thought].

So join me today. Leave your aspirations by the door, throw your ambitions out the window. Convince yourself and others that “JUST SAYING NO” is the new, new age mantra. But be forewarned - it’s really hard to do nothing. Don’t let the naysayers and nonbelievers convince you otherwise.

To get your free slacker trophy, be sure to take several morning, afternoon, and evening naps. And remember that, on your journey to do nothing in half the time, that the seat cushion may also be used as a flotation device (and as a nap enhancing pillow)…